Perfect for me!

I have gone through many ups and downs in my few 23 (almost 24 yay!) years. There have been times of struggle, saddness, happiness, confusion, loss of words, on top of the world, and time where I have hit rock bottom. Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we can stand up and create a good life for ourself. Its sad it takes most of us to hit rock bottom to realize we need a change in our life. I used to not like change, it used to honestly scare the hell out of me. But now, I notice myself looking for ways to change. Trying to change little things to keep me alive, renewed, refreshed! I found the love of my life when i was at rock bottom. The moment I met him all the bad things stopped. Cold turkey stopped. It took a lot of heartbreak to find this guy.....and boy am I holding on tight. There have been many times I have felt I may have found the one. This is different!....This guy, scares me lol. He opened my eyes to a whole new world. A whole new way of thinking and feeling. I can honestly say he is the one! He is probably the only guy I can spend everyday with, and never get sick of...although i have my moments, i wouldnt want to be anywhere but with him. He showed me a new way to love. The right way to be loved. Theres no screaming, no throwing things, no yelling, downgrading and I dont fear him. For those who have been in a relationship where they feared the one person that was supposed to be their safe place, it means alot when  you can find someone who your not afraid of. Sometimes I think hes the one that scared ha ha...just kidding. I do feel as though I have a little more contol with this relationship. I allow myself to feel anger when needed, and im not afraid to disagree or argue. I thing one of the best parts in a relationship is when  you can comfortably agrue with the one your with. Argue without fear of someone getting so mad they leave, or hit or cuss, or throw things. Its fun to argue then be able to look at each other, laugh, and kiss and say I love you. I can talk to this guy. I tell him everything, and I want to. I love talking to him. There are very few moments of silence when were together. There is nothing dull about us together! He balances me out and I do the same for him! Everyday i try to do as much as I can so we can hurry up and be together permantly. I cant wait till him and I are a family. He is perfect! Perfect for me!!!!

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Do I?!

Baby what are we becoming
It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through the motions everyday
I can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that girl I used to know
I just want us back to the way we were before

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the site of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I’m still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I

Remember when we didn’t have nothing
But a perfect simple kind of loving
Baby those sure were the days
There was a time our love ran wild and free
Now I’m second guessing everything thing I see

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the site of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I’m still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I

Still give you what you need
Still take your breath away
Light up the spark like I did, baby do I

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the site of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I’m still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life

Tell me baby do I get one more try
Do I, baby do I



Im sure we all have fought a battle of love. I know I have. Although I have lost my love, he is always still with me, and always will be. I can never let go of that love even though we are not together. After reading the book Fireproof, I was so saddened, wishing it had came out before my marriage ended. At the time though, I would have probably laughed at the thought of staying, not leaving my partner, espically in a fire. We live, we learn.....it is through our mistakes that we become the person we desire to be. Life is a struggle and always will be. I dont believe that the fairy tale exists, but we live each day as though it just might. We have hope, and that is why we make it through the hard times. For people like me, who have little hope, little faith, the fairy tale doesnt exist. Which, is sad sometimes, because we lose reason to dream. I hope I can hold on to what little bit of hope I have left.  I hope I will never lose reason to keep dreaming!
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Here comes Goodbye :(

Wow....I never thought I would cry while watching the AMC awards show
While Carrie Underwood was singing one of my favorite songs "I Told You So", and while being on the phone with a certain someone....tears started flowing down my cheeks
and for a moment i was in shock to realize why i was crying
I, like many others, have a past in which I regret alot of things that I allowed
to happen. I always thought I had dealt with my past and was over it,
but as i began to cry I truly realized that all this time, I just covered it up instead of dealing
with it. So, what do I do know?! How do I go back and deal with 2 years of guilt,
hurt, confussion, doubt and fear? I cannot take back the past, I cannot undo the damage in which I have caused.

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Fear and Courage!?

Its hard to not be in fear when your trying to re-write your life. I have messed up, BUT I am picking up my pieces, as heavy as they are, and im putting them back together to and this time, im gluing them, so they never break apart again........odd analogy?!.....lol....I have been struggling lately with trying to just be content with my life. Its so hard, because I want so much more for my life, and im not very patient. I so badly feel I need companionship, I need a man in my life to be there for me, help me, support me, strengthen me, but the only person I really need is God. Sometimes its hard to turn to God because of my shame and guilt. I shouldnt be ashamed so much of my past, I shouldnt let my past control me. People are cruel, they  judge us for our past mistakes, instead of seeing us for the good we are doing now. Im a working progress, and although i want someone in my life, I know in my heart God will bring someone to me oneday, just not today. I know I have many obstacles to go through, before im ready for that big of a step in my life. I need to be strong in my faith, in my relationship with God before I can be strong in a relationship with someone else. I feel so silly, because I have this HUGE crush on this guy who I dont even really know, We have barely talked but everytime I see him, I cant seem to stop looking at him, wishing he'd look my way!!! I know I have gotton a bit off subject, but hey its my blog haha....but yea, this guy is so cute, he seems like a really great guy, and he did talk to me once in person, and I was as red as could be. I feel like a lil 12 year old school girl having her very first crush, but im not im a 22 year old single mother, and hes a 21 year old man with no baggage like I have, or none that I know of, haha, Im so stupid to think someone as free and who has such a life ahead of him would or ever could be intrested in me. here i go with the pity party , lol, But anyway, God will bring someone to my life oneday, and when that day comes, I will take it, hold on to it, and not ruin it!

~erin~
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Scared

Have you ever been so far away from God that it literally scared you?
Well I am....and what scares me most about it is I have a child.
Children are such a blessing and I want to make sure my child knows Jesus and has a personal relationship with him. It is hard to guide your children in the right direction, when you yourself are in the dark.  Im trying to find my way back to God. It is a very hard road to find and stay on. Everyday for me is a struggle, I am trying to be the person HE wants me to be, but it is something I am willing to work hard at every day for the rest of my life!!! God is my strength, he is my friend, saviour, comforter, healer, forgiver, sustainer, he  loves me, he gives me hope, reason, He protect me, he picks me up, he dries my tears, motivates me, inspires me.....He is my all in all. With him I will be a better person today than I was yesterday and will be a better person tomorrow than I am today!!! I pray God will help you and guide your life into HIS direction!!!!

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Forgive and Forget

For the past few days I have been struggling with Forgiveness. Does everyone deserve forgiveness? What is the point in forgiving someone if we can not forget? Today I found my answer sitting in a pew at church. I realized the answer was right there in front of me this whole time, but i never reached out to God to look for the answer. My preacher read from Ephesians 4 today, and during his reading of the word of God I heard these 2 versus, that hit me so hard, I began to tear up. Ephesians 4: 31-32 "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Those words hit straight to home. I felt almost "stupid" that I have searched so hard for my questions of forgivness and they were right there in the Bible. My preacher taught me today, that I must let go of my anger so I can have a Pure and Holy relationship with God. I pray today that God will give the courage, the strength to let go of my bitterness, my anger and help me to forgive, forget and live my life in a pure and holy way.
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All I wanna do is find my way back in to love.....

It may just be me, where I am in my life, but guys tend seem non-existant right now! Not that their arent plenty of them, its just none that are right for me. Usually for me, i`ll like a guy, he seems to be intrested then he says something really stupid or just acts in a way that is repulsive and i quickly run. Why can't I just find a guy whos right for me?! Im not very picky, i have my "list" of must haves but for the most part im not picky. So how come all the guys i tend to "like" are either jerks or just not for me. Is there really a person out their for everyone? Am I maybe just one of those peoples who will remain single for the rest of time? Im probably the most impatient person there is, but hey im workin on it!!!! I know im not the perfect person, but im not that bad! the real problem could be more me than them. I tend to push away if things get too serious. I want a relationship but I want to be in a relationship with someone who gets me, and yes that is hard to find. I want someone who can look past my past and see my future, see the great person, i think I am.....no one is perfect, and im not saying i am by no means, but im a fairly good person. I want a friendship, i want my "partner" to be my best friend, someone I can come to about anything and everything, someone I can trust and treasure......Its just so nice to have someone in your life you can go to. someone you can count on......I miss having that, and wish i could find it again!!!!
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